We Was Girls Together

A premiere episodes of Being Mary Jane had me all up in my feelings thinking about female friendships. The episode(s) did a lot. If you haven't started the show, consider it unless you already have an unhealthy roster of television shows like me. To carefully summarize, Mary Jane is a strong-headed, successful go-getter who has her share of personal and family issues. All the while, she's trying to stay afloat as black and single female. She has this friend, Lisa. Their relationship is... real. They've been BFFs since childhood but both women have their share of adult woes and it sometimes conflicts with their relationship. The new season starts with their friendship in the gutter: you know the usual TV drama of betrayal, sex, shifty men.

After Lisa made countless attempts to apologize to MJ, MJ took the chance and went in. Her rant was measured, heartfelt, and painful. I had to turn off the TV before the end of the monologue because I realized my heart was racing and I was starting to choke up. MJ's bitter last words to Lisa reminded me of a time of when I was on the receiving end of a hurt tirade from a dear dear friend. Lisa was wrong. I was wrong. Lisa tried to apologize to make things right; as did I. It hurt watching Lisa take the harsh words and I blamed and shamed MJ for being so... mean. How could she be so cold and bitter? How could she not see that Lisa was obviously wracked with guilt and needed to tell her that? Where is your vulnerability Mary Jane? Memory reels of my crumbled friendship flashed before me and had to pray my way out of the pain before going to sleep. Yes, the years have provided the opportunity for gentle reconciliation but I still mourn the loss of her presence in my life and vice versa. Watching MJ and Lisa's friendship finally fall apart made my heart drop. It was Toni and Joan again. It was Nel on her knees at Sula's grave.

But you know, it was not fair for me to make MJ seem like the big bad wolf for coming at Lisa like that. Hell, there's a little bit of MJ in all of us: I'm sure you would've kirked out too. But still, it wasn't MJ's fault even when we witness Lisa take her life in her subsequent episode. Lisa made a choice when she slept with David. She made a choice when she self-prescribed. Mary Jane made a choice to give Lisa her piece of mind. And that's what we really have in this world.  Our choices. We all have a choice in what we say, how we say it, and when we say it. We have a choice in what we do, how we do it, and when we do it. We have a choice in our actions, do we have a choice in our reactions? MJ said what she felt, but did she mean what she said? I have so many damn questions, and what I am getting at may not really make sense but all in all, what I took away from the episode was the need for compassion. Compassion for one another and self-compassion. Even when you're in the 'right'.

I cannot attribute Lisa's death wholly to realizing that she lost MJ. But even if MJ couldn't forgive her, I wish Lisa gave herself the time to forgive herself and pick herself up again. I wish Lisa gave herself the time to face her own truth that she is definitely flawed but not utterly broken. I fought to forgive myself for my role in a broken friendship but I think I was strengthened through being better for the many girlfriends I had in my life. It has helped me in being a better wife. I had to realize that I have come to know the God in me that I didn't recognize in my past. I had to learn that my reactions are as toxic as another person's wrongful actions-- or what I may feel is wrongful.

I'm going to get scriptural because that's what fuels me now. God had a point when He said be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger. Because yes, we have all the right to be pissed as hell but we have got to be careful in how we react. Even when we know in our heart that nothing will be the same with the person at fault; take the chance to be the bigger person. And say what you say, but be also careful. Death and life is in the power of the tongue. Just remember that.
I thank God for his grace, and I appreciate the grace in female friendships. This episode reminded of what was and what is. I call on my girls by name: Rebecca, Ke, Kodi, Z, Nana Konamah, Mo, Jan, Erika, Linda O., Clar, Adoma, Michelle First Lady, Grace, Sheila, Maame D., Maame Ohenewaah, Gloria Ataa, Louisa's Ladies, Adetoun, Odo Mary, Regina, Twinnie Annie, Bisi, my blog friends Chinye and Amma :) and.... Tiffany.