If this is love

I've been itching to write about my wedding/marriage for a long time. I joked with Tim that it was better to not blog about wedding planning because then I would lose focus of the blog and only rant about my wedding. It's easier now that it is over to write about the experience. Only because wedding planning was a very difficult and emotional thing to do.

Tim proposed in 2010 after I returned from a vacation in Ghana. I suppose it was the first time I was away from him in so long and it hye hye no (he "felt" it). It was a quiet proposal; he invited another couple friend to join us and I felt very special and loved. We initially planned to wed in 2011 but we soon realized that it just wasn't time yet. We've been dating since undergraduate and we always knew we wanted to be married but we really had to pray and seek the face of God for direction. I especially had to pray that my parents accepted the relationship. For some odd reason, Ghanaians have a strong love/hate thing for Nigerians. Many of their reasons based on myth and personal experience. Majority of their reason depends on Nollywood horror films.... All the same, my proud Asante parents were especially wary of marrying off their first, beloved daughter to some Naija boy. So it took years, years to soften their hearts. So when the struggle subsided, we began to plan for our union.

From the jump, I knew that my parents were not going to contribute much to the wedding. Their reason was because they were struggling financially and also because they had the strange notion that Tim was a rich Nigerian who can foot the bill. After much pleading, explaining, and hollering, I gave up on trying to convince them to pitch in. Tim and I paid for the whole wedding out of pocket-- no credit. Of course, his parents helped out in various ways but for the most part we did it alone. It. was. hard. It was harrrrrdddddd.
There was a lot of prayer and fasting and hoping that went into planning for our day; God made it possible .

Honestly, I was never the girl who dreamed of the gown and flowers. I was truly excited for the customary rites. Culturally, this event is the true marriage because both families meet to discuss and agree on the union. I marvel at the discussion, negotiations, fashion, advice that goes into such a ceremony and I was more excited to wear kente than I was in wearing a white gown. Planning the traditional ceremony wasn't tasking obviously. However, I was worried that my white wedding wouldn't be all that I wanted it to be. I always felt that if I can't have the wedding I want, why have it all? lol. At the same time, I couldn't bear the idea of paying $28 per centerpiece for 30 tables. But Tim and I said let's just do our best and let God do the rest. We had amazing friends who helped us in various ways to make our wedding come true. When it comes down to it, the people who love you will come through.

So here are some aspects of the wedding that I want to point out in case you are ready to plan a wedding:

1. The dress: I tried on about 10 dresses within the past 3 years and settled on a gown that I never thought I would love. I'm very shapely so I knew I wanted a mermaid gown. I had my eyes on this Simone Carvalli gown for years. I love satin and how it sits on my body but when I tried on the gown, it didn't scream "yes". I tried on other satin gowns and had the same reaction. So I decided to try on ONE lace gown , an Allure Couture C200. It is a heavily beaded mermaid lace gown. I tried it on in February and stopped trying. It was perfect, sexy and classy. But it was also retailed at $2900. Mabel wasn't buying no dress for $3000. I began searching online and there are plenty of sites for brides who can purchase gently used or new gowns for a great bargain (oncewed.com or  http://www.preownedweddingdresses.com/). You just  luck out if the bride has your size and color. I found a few Allure C200 gowns in my size and price range but I settled on one for $1600 from a bride on tradesy.com. I will be honest, it was scary buying online. I never saw the bride in person and although it was my dress size, I really was worried because I didn't see it nor try it on. But my bride was great with communication and gave me a good deal. Thankfully, it was all that she said it was and I was so proud of my purchase. If you plan to purchase a wedding dress from another bride, have your list of questions, ask for a Skype date, negotiate on  a price and just cross your fingers. I lucked out!

2. The Kente: This kente is really special to us. I did a previous post on kente and my experience going to Adanwomase. I have a weird fixation for kente, printed cloth (you call it ankara, I call it ntoma), lace, and the like. So the idea of having our traditional ceremony was exhilarating because it was my chance to wear my very first kente. A lot of young ladies get kente much sooner than I did; in most cases, it is gifted to them. Kente is a very special and prized cloth and I was so proud to wear it for our event. An added bonus is that my very proud Yoruba husband agreed to wear kente in the traditional way. He looked smashing.

                 

2. Decor: All of my inspiration came from my dream Pinterest board. I spent months pinning and researching diy projects. I swear by weddingbee.com forum. It helped out so much with questions I had and deals other brides scored. I started off wanting simple floating candle centerpieces but then really wanted fresh flowers. Girl, fresh flowers are EXPENSIVE! So I settled on a more vintage look with baby's breath. One tip about decor I will give: tell no one but your decorator. EVERYone has a damn opinion. "Don't do tall centerpieces", "don't do fresh flowers", "do this", "I did this", "yadda yadda yadda". I kept my decoration ideas to myself and it worked out because it was different and in the end, everyone loved it. My decorator/coordinator was a heaven sent angel. Not only is my bff's older sister, she is my sister and she hooked me up. Utilize the resources you have in your personal life. It works!

3: Guest List: This was probably the hardest thing for us to do. We eventually decided to settle on 300 guests for our wedding. You may ask, do you know 300 people Mabel? Well yes, I do. Tim and I go to the same Ghanaian church so we had about 100 people to invite from there. I had 100 people with both of my parents combined, same with Tim. We fought LONG and HARD over this list. I had a few more friends I wanted to invite but Tim was strict on making sure we stay on target. Only because Africans don't understand invitation only and if we hand-invited 300 people, the guest list can easily creep to 350; 50 folks who weren't invited. And we wanted to be prepared for that. In the end, majority showed up but I ache that I didn't invite other mutual friends that I really wanted to be there. I hope they forgive me!

4: Colors/Style: my favorite color is purple but for a fall wedding, I wanted to do a richer fall color.... mustard yellow (accent color: gray). I just love mustard yellow on brown skin and it worked. My girls wore mustard gowns with emerald statement earrings. My men wore fab dark gray suits. They were fabulous. My reception hall didn't have much yellow at all but I didn't care, I don't believe that colors should be plastered everywhere for a wedding. As for my personal style, I had two things that were key to me: hair and jewelry. I wanted colored stones for jewelry (emerald earrings to match my bridesmaids!) and of course, natural hair. I wore my hair in a french bun in the back and crocheted kinky hair for a waterfall kind of look. I curled and pinned the hair the day of and voila! Perfection.

5: Big Ticket items: hall, photog, video, DJ: Tim can thank my resourceful skills for the awesome deals we got on these items. I found a church that had a reception hall that could accommodate 350 seated guests for $2500. That is an especially rare rate for a wedding hall in Northern VA. I found our photog through Craigslist who was trying to build his portfolio ($1100 for both wedding and engagment shots). I found our videographer from another random girl I stalked on Facebook and had the boldness to ask her who did her work. And our DJ was highly recommended from a friend. He ROCKED our reception. People danced to the last song.... DJ Kweks, we salute you.

6: Planning and Prayer: it goes hand in hand.

My bridal shower:) Yes, it's a tulle skirt! LOVE!

7: Do what you want: do what you want. The ONLY regret I have is that I didn't get a chance to take as many pictures as I desired. We took plenty of pictures that day but I didn't do my dream glam shots:) So Tim and I are going to don the suit and gown again and take pictures in the Spring. I'm trying to convince him to do a trash the dress session but you know these African men be like.... "Why trash it? Oya, sell it!"

 

This is probably the only post I will do about the wedding:) But now and again, I will sneak the hubby on the blog and I will put a few pictures from our professional photographer when they get in. Otherwise, I am happy, blessed, and ready to get going again on the blog!

Super fun candid of the night, There was so much love in the room:)

Switched in aso oke for the second half of the reception. I lovedddd our outfits and my necklace was the ultimate statement piece

My favorite engagement photo:)

Return from the Grave

I've been on a four-month hiatus. It doesn't feel like it though; I've been in quite a whirlwind these past few months.

I apologize to my readers for not giving a heads up but I promise, I've been thinking about you!

Let's just say, it was for a good reason, and now, I'm back with a vengeance:)

Write to you soon!

For my Audience

I think I can write forever considering how I feel right now.
I am puzzled as to whether I am just star-struck or just so damn happy.
Possibly a mix of both, but I wonder if this is the same way I will feel I met Beyonce face to face in an intimate setting.
(I'm a shameless closet fan).
But no, this isn't that 'gone in the brain' kinda feeling that folk may feel upon meeting the diva; I'm completely sane and very sure of what has transpired and yet I am utterly grateful and giddy at the same time.

I've just sat in the presence of inspiration. And that is the only word I can think of: inspired. I have read her books on numerous occasions, dogeared my favorite passages, watched and rewatched her TED talks, loaned my books out only to never see them again. But I've enjoyed doing all these things. Today, that enjoyment has not translated into reverence and inspiration.

I think I know what inspiration means now. The thing is that we use the word so loosely: you lost weight~ you inspire me; your style inspires me; you've inspired me to go natural; you've inspired me to stop___________ (fill in the blank). It usually turns out that when we use the term "inspire" we possibly mean that we just really like that "thing" we notice in a person. Not that we truly want to act upon that exalting influence; we in essence, just admire it. But no. I have truly been inspired today by the woman and writer that is Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. I not only admire and enjoy her writing but I am truly inspired by her as a woman. Inspired in shallow ways: upon watching her glide into the room with her glowing skin and medium sized fro, I had the itching sensation (real and imagined) to pull out my braids and wear my natural hair in all its frazzled glory. I was inspired in  a more important way however: to care more about my writing and my message. I always say I have only one story to tell. I'm not seeking to be a writer, I am seeking to just share my perspective with the world. And thankfully, that story hasn't been told yet:) But I tend to limit myself on acting upon that urge to write. I'm not grammatically inclined at times and in some ways my descriptions lack poetic depth but I shouldn't allow that to stop me. There is always room for growth and improvement. There are other women out there who share the passion and thought of Chimamanda and I suppose it is about time I added myself to that number. I must not think of my audience and just write without inhibition, and in turn, inspire another young lady.


Thank you for tonight Chimamanda, if you are part of my audience today. I was so proud to sit front row to hear you speak. I anticipate seeing you again.

Grace

By His Grace, we are saved.
By His Grace, we are protected.
By His Grace, we are healed.
By His Grace, we are loved.

In going to Ghana for a year-long project, I did not understand the risk I was placing myself in by living in a foreign, third-world country. As beautiful and enjoyable as Ghana is, it is still a third-world country where risks, that are not as prevalent in the U.S., are at large. But in that one year, I lived comfortably and safely in spite of some trying situations-- getting bit by weird insects, travelling to Kumasi by tro-tro (a rickety, old, mini-van on it's last breath), getting over occasional diarrhea, awful asthma (never had that before I went to Ghana). I did not realize how much of God's grace covered me the whole time I was there, because the fate of some loved ones could have been. Could have.

I dedicate this post to Madam Caroline (Caro) Larbi. The Akan teacher at ABETICOE was immensely kind to me. She cooked my favorite meals as a special treat. She shared her best mangoes with me during the fruitful season; gave me clean water from her supply when I ran out; laughed and chatted with me in her compound. I loved this little lady. We really bonded and I enjoyed her presence every time we met. I learned of her untimely death last month: she died in a ghastly tro-tro accident in Winneba. She left behind two children, a grandson, a lovely teaching college, and a Ghanaian-American girl who called her a friend. Madam Caro was a gem of a lady; I ache to think of her empty bungalow that now lacks her signature laugh. I am so sorry that I wasn't there to mourn with the school. I'm more sorry that I didn't call upon my return to the States. I'm so sorry.

I dedicate this post to Danielle (Danni) Dunlap. Danielle was a Peace Corps Volunteer for the 11-13 mission. I met her through my roommate, another volunteer. She stayed with us during Easter weekend, among many other PCVs. But Danni and I struck a sweet friendship in her short time with us. She helped me cook and clean and was absolutely cordial and pleasant. I guess we hit it off b/c we were the two black girls in the group but I truly liked her because she was so sincere. I only interacted with her during that weekend but our emails and chats always picked up as if we talked on a daily basis. Danielle was brilliant, kind, beautiful, and genuine. I weep for her because I cannot believe how illness claimed her so quickly; I cannot imagine how her family feels knowing that they sent their child away to do honest, giving work and she will never come back home alive. I weep for her because her loss is great. We've lost a great young black woman in this world. And I feel it.

It's by God's grace that these situations did not befall on me as I know they could have. But I know that the same Grace will cover Caro and Danni's family in this painful, painful time. By the same Grace, we will meet again.

Rest peacefully.

The Spirit of Worship

I have dedicated many a post on this blog about many aspects of my life but of most importance would be my spiritual walk with God. It's something so personal to me and I seldom discuss much of it because I am still growing and learning, and tripping on the path along the way. But in light of this Easter season, I wanted to talk about worship.

If you are a typical Ghanaian kid, you know about church and I would hope, God. The two seem synonymous up until your early twenties when you realize you know everything about church itself but this relationship with God is new, hard, frustrating, and enticing. You come to a point where you realized that you needed Him more but didn't know where to start. You were probably frustrated because after all those years in the church, you realized you knew very little about the Word and for the life of you, couldn't figure how that happened. How did that happen?

If that's not you, it's me. I rededicated my life to Christ at 19 with full determination to do it His way. I did not know what I was getting myself into. A life where God is always on my mind, a life where I desperately seek to stop messing up and get my life like His, a life where I can have full dependency on a greater power and love that equates no other. I owe my life to Christ and as long as I live I will press on to what He has called me to do. It's a strange relationship, this thing I got with God. But man, it's best thing that has ever happened to me and I wouldn't trade it for anything else.

My path to Christ began with worship. Just making up songs in the morning when I woke up. Illegally downloading numerous songs by Israel Houghton, Tye, Kirk, Hillsong, the populars:) Learning new music in place of bible study if I didn't know where to turn in my bible. My secret passion is singing in Twi. For those who know me, I am not fluent in my mother tongue. But what marvels the same people is that I can SANG in Twi. I mean, I know all the inflections, pauses, tunes, and hummms... And strangely, I know what I am singing. Can't speak it for 5 minutes but can sing it along with any other worship leader. Singing in Twi is special to me because I find myself best able to worship that way.

Worship is not about the song but about the heart. How your spirit connects with the Holy Spirit. This can manifest in prayers, praise, meditation, tongues-speaking, and music. In all this form, worship in the form of music moves me to another spiritual level with to God.
                                                               _____________________
I met my friend Yaw Osei-Owusu at a concert in 2009 I believe, the True Worshippers Concert with Sonnie Badu. Actually Kwaku Gyasi was supposed to be there (I reallllllly wanted to see him!) but Sonnie came through instead and it was larger than life. A simple concert with a spiritual bang. My life changed. It was amazing to see so many young people come together to celebrate God and this was all constructed through the vision of Yaw and his friends. I became an active member of TW from that point on but kinda fell off.... I'm still trying to get my life together since returning from Ghana:( But all the same, I pray for TW, I pray for our board, I pray for Yaw because he has opened his heart to allow God to do some amazing things in his life.

Take this concert I went to last November..... WHAT? It was the most beautiful, riveting, spirit-filled gospel concert I have ever attended (given it was my first real one). Yaw has finally taken his awesome vocals to the studio to produce amazing tracks to glorify God. I can't explain it. I was in the way back of the auditorium and was losing my mind, tears streaming down my face, my heart bursting with passion for God. Yaw took us to another level in the spirit. Yaw brought us to worship God. You had to be there.

If you weren't, you can pretend you were. He's completed his DVD production of the concert and it goes on sale Easter day. If you want a copy, I won't lend you mine. Get your own. He's on fb, find out how to get your in-home concert. Be blessed and support our Ghanaian youth. You will not regret being taken there. It might get you back on your path with God again.

Try not to drool at Yaw, he's a cutie but he ain't thinking 'bout you. :)

Congratulations Yaw, God bless you and thank you for doing His work.


Bonus: You'll have this on repeat like....

Ghana, must go

I'm reading a new novel by Taiye Selasi, Ghana Must Go. How you read the title is up to you however. Ghana, must go. Ghana must go. Ghana.... must.... go.... ?
                                         

She wrote a meaningful piece on how she arrived at self-awareness by her travels in western Africa.

Folks ask me, how was Ghana? Do you ever see yourself living there? 

Yes, I do.

Like Selasi put in her article, being in Ghana allowed me to create an experience of my own. Not the experiences of my parents but one embarked by me, learned by myself. Living, working, being in Ghana allowed me to have my own version of home which came so naturally, quite immediate upon my arrival there. I believe, because, I already decided that I was going to take myself along on that trip. I was going  to be the quirky, corny, passionate, loving Mabel I was in the States; who I am in VA was going to be the same person in Ghana, just with a change of scenery. I made up in my mind that I was going to treat the trip as if I was truly going home. Not a visit, not a excursion, home.

What I think is hard for most American bred Africans is facing the question of who am I? when embarking on such a journey. Who are we when we return home? How much of our selves are we taking back? Are we selective in how we portray ourselves on African soil? Do we return as the prodigal daughter, the visitor, the criticizer, the outsider? 

I feel, to make the most out of your experience, you need to bring all of your self when you go back home. Don't be partial. As you laugh, listen, work, visit, learn in the States, be that when you return home. I notice people complain about going back to Ghana because they couldn't wear their natural hair without getting the stares, couldn't stand the sun, couldn't take pictures they way they wanted to, their family wouldn't let them explore the way they desired. Was scared of the water, mosquitoes, family curses. Couldn't handle the traffic, the backwards way of thinking, the slowness. 

Shut up.

And just be. Go home and enjoy being home. Stop looking from the outside, as a creator of your experiences. Try being the creation of your surroundings and enjoy it. It will be home to you as well.

Hair Deeds

This was a draft in my vault that I decided to finally post after reading the responses from a recent post on BGLH. I originally wrote this post in May 2012.

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It's taking A LOT for me to write this.... Long post for those who care!

I have been natural for approximately 6 years. As a child and eventually an adolescent, I always had problems with my hair and used braids as a coverup for something I didn't know how to handle. The summer before college, I decided to give up the perm and keep my hair braided which became my unknown transition to becoming natural. That didn't solve my hair issues, not that I expected it to. I just didn't want to deal with it. Once my perm grew out and I amassed a head full of kinky coils, I started to look into how to maintain natural hair. And since I love to research anyway, I gained a lot of knowledge. As a result, I spent countless dollars on hair products and had more errors than trials but I've stuck it out. I'm still natural, but after all this time... I've got little to show for it.

My hair is fine, wispy, and very fragile and needs much tender care to see results. However, my hair is still unique and lovely to me. I love it because I have it. After all the trauma I've put it through, it's still there! Funny thing is, I'm the natural hair queen! I have converted many a friend to the natural side. I have aided in the upkeep and advice of natural hair to many people. I know EVERYTHING to know about natural hair and I promote it on the regular.

Upon coming to Ghana, I had a plan. I thought it was really great because I had 10 months to really promote a change. I had an abundance of time and the warm weather was supposed to be conducive to the health of my hair. But yeah, I never kept up with my planned regimen of deep conditioner treatments and moisturizing. I protected my hair under my usual braids  because it's hard to resist the cheap hair braiding here:) The first day I met my principal, I wore my hair in it's natural form. It was in a cute puff and I liked it! But he kept staring at it as if it were to be a problem. You know that look, the "what are you going to do with it?" look.Then when I went to visit family in Kumasi, they kept saying that an araba like me should keep my hair neat as I am a foreigner and I should look like one. Let's not forget my mom calling me from the States from time to time to ask me, "have you done your hair? Please don't embarass me ooo... You know Kumasifuo..."  I think it puzzles people that a "fine girl" like me wants to wear my hair "like that". "You have money, don't you?" (these are true comments!). When I was leaving Nigeria, during my departure process the customs officer looked over my passport then looked at me and asked, "What were you doing in Nigeria?" I answered that I there to visit my boyfriend and family. He then glanced at my (bit old but still!) kinky twists and asked, "So your boyfriend couldn't pay for you to do your hair?"

The thing is that, adult women with natural hair is very common here, especially in Accra (where things are more modern anyway). I see young women in my age group proudly wearing their natural hair at whatever length and style. I see adult women with their hair in natural twists all the time. Granted, most of these adult women are market sellers; I only note women my age with natural to be from the local university. I assume many people here consider natural hair to be for those who cannot afford to do their hair or just want to be "rasta". It's usually school girls that are subjected to wear their hair short and unpermed. You can tell who is about to finish high school because their natural hair is a little fuller, as if getting ready to be permed or braided upon graduating. I've chatted with so many young girls who are itching to grow their hair out, perm it, weave, braid it, what have you.

I just hope I can get to the point where I can let go of my dependency on braids and really learn how to treat my natural curls. I just feel that being an American and having natural hair makes me stand out all the more. I don't know how I feel about the attention. And I am afraid that I am more concerned of what they think as beautiful and therefore, I'm giving in to their standards by covering up what I think I am supposed to be proud of. My hair.

Shit just got real.

*****

I never finished the post but I guess to summarize and to interject my perspective about it all, now that I am back in the States and was recently reminded of these events through Chizzy's post. Frankly, as Ghanaians, we have a long way to go when it comes to acceptance. I have a long way to go as well. We have a long way to go when it comes to self-acceptance, awareness, and overall, education. I do hope that Africans in the Diaspora will work to demystify the myth that beauty resides in long flowing Brazilians, oversized shoppers, and long, painted talons--- especially when they visit home. A lot of this miseducation comes from the mainstream beauty and possibly, colonial influence. So natural Ghana girls, when you're going home, be prepared for the backlash, whether aggressive or private concern. But if you're going to rock the fro, rock it proudly, boldly, and with confidence. Their concern is probably marvel at your audacity to truly being yourself.